Losing your loved one is like losing pieces of yourself. 19 December 2010, I lost my father. After 1,5 month being in the hospital battling with lung cancer, I have to say goodbye for the closest person in my life.
I just can’t describe how big it affects me. It’s like losing the closest person in your life who knew you the best, a person that you can discuss and share about everything – from having a culinary trip together, studying, future planning, world knowledge, life values, and other daily things. A person that literally shapes the way you are and the way you think, yet inherit big parts of his personality to you. A person that you rely on the most, a person with whom you can be very childish and spoiled and listen to all your trivial problem. That’s how I describe the closeness of my father. It’s like losing a backup which leads to feel very uncertain about several aspects in your life. And I do miss him a lot.
I just can’t describe how tough the life it was in these last several months –final examination, the deadline of semester group projects and your dying father- all happened at the same time. I just can’t remember how exhausted I was, constantly lack of sleep, constantly crying, and constantly went back and forth between Bandung and hospital in Jakarta. The long gloomy night in the hospital, the tense everytime I checked on my handphone to prepare whatever the bad news I’ll receive, the constant sorrow of watching his deteriorating condition. I really don’t have time for myself, and worse, I event don’t have time to be sad –the time was very limited that I have to do is fulfill my responsibilities – either as a student, as a child, and as a part of organizations. All the things before understand and having a space to my own mental turbulence.
When things got worse, the only things that help is having a good supporting system. I have these adorable friends who listened, who take care all the additional needs and back up in my academic life, friends who understand my situation. It’s where I feel that ‘well, I just can’t do it alone’. I have this extended family that constantly watched over him in the hospital. I have this brother and sister who finally came home from abroad, help me to survive and ease the burden. Their laugh and jokes during the darkest moment are priceless.
Yet the worst was over, but there’s a huge change in my life. Life goes on, and all I have to do is to adapt, to find ways to compensate the loss, and to back up all the things that he used to do, and finally to become stronger. I have new responsibilities, new targets, and new activities to fill in the upcoming semester. I know that those won’t be easy, since I’m no longer have anyone that I can call anytime – from asking an opinion in decision making or just complaining everytime I feel not capable in handling something.
But maybe the whole process was ways that life teaches me to understand certain values, certain aspects that one can’t understand until directly going through the process by themselves. Maybe bad things happened in your life is one of a method to cultivate some inner strength and to prepare for life’s future challenges. And yes, he will always be my hero.
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